the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
