Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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