my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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