I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
