I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize