It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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