He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
