Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
