I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
