Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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