Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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