I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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