My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
