i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
