You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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