"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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