yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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