My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
