you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
