why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
