mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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