your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
