so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
