Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
