Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
