Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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