I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
