My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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