I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
All the doctor said was why
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
