I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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