He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
