So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
two words...techno handjob
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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