That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
