Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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