where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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