At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
