i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
