Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
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I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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