How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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