somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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