Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
