Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
