I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
