I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
