I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
