I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
