I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
