I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
