i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
