Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize