i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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