i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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