I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
