I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I could make wine with my vomit
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Randomize
