Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
