addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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